


The Feel of it Drags Me Back Each Time

by ToodleOfDeeth



Category: History Boys - All Media Types
Genre: Awkwardness, Characters dont have sex but i feel like i should still tag it as underage because theyre 15, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, dudes will be dudes and all that, i wont but be warned that its there, so if youre uncomfortable with that please just give this one a skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 08:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16364042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToodleOfDeeth/pseuds/ToodleOfDeeth
Summary: “I’m still not saying I’m gay,” Dakin said, wriggling to try and make his position on the floor feel more comfortable, “But what I am saying is that maybe, just to, you know, get some more experience or whatever, we could… try?”





	The Feel of it Drags Me Back Each Time

“So all I'm saying is that Scripps shouldn't have expected it to go well-”

“Uh-huh.”

“-Because,” Dakin paused to suck on his cigarette. Lockwood pulled up another clump of grass, “He thinks because he doesn't fancy anyone, and let's be honest, he _must_ fancy someone, he’s immune to us lot talking about fucking around him-”

“Right.”

“-But he isn't.”

“No.”

“And all I'm saying is that if he hadn't brought up Rudge’s girlfriend he wouldn't have needed to exit the table so quickly. You know how Rudge is about life, no filter.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you think?”

Lockwood flicked his wrist, launching the head of the cigarette into the grass, in the way Dakin had always imagined Daisy Buchanan would have done. When relaxed, Lockwood resembled both a tiger and a teddy bear - a dangerous creature you wanted keep for as long as you possibly could.

“I think Scripps is more of a knob head than any of us dare admit. Good an’ all that, but a knob head nonetheless.”

Dakin looked towards him, but Lockwood didn't meet his eyes, “What do you mean, ‘good and all that’?”

“Jesus, mate. Good of heart or whatever.”

“Right.”

Lockwood lay back in the grass, body aloof and hair curling around his head. If Dakin had actually taken the time to notice it, he would have compared it to Lockwood having a halo, but he was too focused on tearing up the daisies from the grass and throwing them into the wind. _June,_ Lockwood thought, _a couple of weeks and it’ll be summer._

“Have you,” Dakin began, but cut himself off. Lockwood didn't so much as twitch. In a flurry of fabricated boldness, he tried again, “You’ve never been with a girl, have you?”

“I’m fifteen, Dakin.”

“Not like that, you twit,” he snorted.

Lockwood opened a single eye to look at him, and steady as a rock, he met his gaze.

“No,” Lockwood answered, properly this time, “I’ve had, you know, one offs, but never for more than a few weeks, tops.”

Dakin looked towards the tennis courts. They were empty, their nets frayed and fluttering in the wind, and barely visible from where they rested in the grass. Perks of having a willow tree as their hangout spot, he supposed - no one could really see them.

“You?”

“Huh?” Dakin said, caught off guard. He could feel the prickle of Lockwood’s gaze on his neck.

“Have you ever been with a girl?”

“Of course. I’m insulted that you think I wouldn’t have”

“What about boys.”

“Lockwood, what?”

He snorted, “Simple question, mate.”

“No,” he started, “We can’t all be into anything like you are.”

Lockwood hummed but didn’t open his eyes, and Dakin forced himself to focus more on the coolness of the breeze than the warmth of Lockwood’s calf against his thigh.

“You could be. How do you know if you’ve never even thought about it?”

“I know, Lockwood,” Dakin began, turning to look at him, “Because I am a _seducer.”_ He placed a hand on his chest for dramatic effect. “I _seduce_ women. I am not the _seduced._ ”

Lockwood sat up for the first time since the conversation began, “Just because you’re the one making moves doesn’t mean you can’t be into men.”

“Well I’m not. I’m not gay.”

Lockwood shrugged, indifferent, and said nothing. Dakin pulled up a clump of grass and threw it over his shoulder, his mouth in a tight line and brow furrowed. He looked up to the branches, hoping Lockwood was watching, and unaware that he wasn't.

“You don't believe me,” he started, refusing to look back down. Lockwood hummed. “Was that a hum of agreement?”

“You mean you believe that I don't believe you?”

“As in you think I’m gay even though I've said I’m not.”

  
“Something like that,” Lockwood began, finally opening his eyes, “I don't think you're wholey into girls, is all.”

Dakin turned his body so that they could actually look at one another, his chest posed above Lockwood’s legs. “You don’t believe me,” He stated again, “Alright.”

“Dakin-”

“No, I understand.” He began again, crawling forward to make sure they saw eye-to-eye, “ _You_ don’t think I can get a girl.”

Lockwood huffed and smirked, “I never said that, mate.”

“No, but you implied it.”  
“What makes you so certain you could blag a girl anyway? You said you’ve had one before, I get that. But who’s to say she liked you?”

“We lasted two months.”  
“Two months isn't shit,” Lockwood leaned up on his elbows again, “Six? Maybe. Twelve? Definitely. Two months, that’s nothing. I've had toothbrushes that have lasted longer than that.”

Dakin bristled, “Two months is better than your record, Jimmy.”

There was a pause. Lockwood raised an eyebrow, the smirk on his face never faltering, and with an almost bashful side-glance he gestured between them. With a glare, Dakin looked to where Lockwood had signalled. He hadn’t realised how close together they’d become- it almost looked like they were about to lean into a kiss.  “Shit,” he said, and pulled his body away from Lockwood’s legs.

“‘Into girls only’ my arse. You looked like you wanted to pull me to pieces there mate-“

“Look mate I didn’t mean it-“

“-And if you’d stayed there any longer I might have said I was up for it.”

Perhaps in shock, perhaps in disbelief, perhaps in both, Dakin’s arms buckled and he landed with a winded huff on Lockwood’s legs, his face resting on his stomach.

“Lockwood, mate,” Dakin began, with something akin to a grimace on his face, “Lockwood-“

“Nah mate, I get it.” He looked to the side, “I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.” But Lockwood didn’t look back down, and Dakin didn’t roll off; instead he lay there and waited, listening as acutely as he could for any moment outside of the fronds of the willow tree. Satisfied that there was none, he rolled off and back into the dampness of the grass.

“It’s okay. You just- you know. I’m not...“

“Queer,” Lockwood finished for him, “I know.”

Overwhelmed by the urge to say something, but imprisoned by the thought of making it worse, Dakin looked to the side. “Alright, that’s not-“ he stopped and took a deep breath in, clenching his fist and releasing, “It’s not entirely true.”

He could feel Lockwood’s shift to him, even if he showed no sign of paying attention. “My mum, you know. She isn’t good with changes. If I were anything other than into girls she wouldn’t be too delighted.”

“I get you there, mate, I really do,” Lockwood began, “My own mum doesn’t know about it yet, you know. So don’t tell her. But I don’t want to tell her; not yet at least.”

Dakin sighed, “I’m glad I’m not the only one in this boat though. You’ve heard how Felix talks about Pos. I dread to think about what he’d say if he found out that it wasn’t only David.”

“It’s weird. You calling Posner by his first name like that.”

“Maybe,” He changed the subject, “if you haven’t found a girl yet you could try something else for a while.”

Lockwood, in a move that Dakin dared to call calculated, rolled onto his side so that his chest rested against Dakin’s arm. “Are you volunteering?” He asked with a curl of his lip and a raise of his brow. Dakin rubbed a hand over his face.

“I’m still not saying I’m gay,” Dakin said, wriggling to try and make his position on the floor feel more comfortable, “But what I _am_ saying is that maybe, just to, you know, get some more experience or whatever, we could… try?”

“Try what?” Lockwood asked, his voice unassuming.

“Try to be together.” Dakin finished in a rush, one of his hands coming to rest on the elbow of his other arm. He rubbed up and down, brushing against the hairs, and waited for Lockwood to say something.

“I dunno mate,” Lockwood let out a heavy breath, “I only date people that know how to kiss.”

“You said you’d never been with anyone.”

“I’ve kissed plenty. Question now is, have you?”

Dakin huffed, “Sit up,” he commanded, “And I’ll show you. Cheek of you to even suggest I’m not good.”

Lockwood did as he was told, a satisfied but slow smile on his face. “Thought you weren’t gay?”

“Fuck off, I’m not,” Dakin gripped the front of Lockwood’s school jumper with both hands, looking sour and flushed, “I’m just proving a point.” And with all the courage he could muster he pulled Lockwood forward.

More of a smear of mouths than anything, the kiss lasted for a few seconds- Lockwood’s mouth pulled tight in a smile and Dakin frowning like he was looking at a particularly hard essay question. But the break apart, with Dakin gracelessly reeling back to spit on the grass, made Lockwood burst out with laughter. He fell back into the grass, placing both hands on his stomach as he watched Dakin sputter.

“You kiss people like that?” Lockwood exclaimed, wiping tears from his eyes.

“You were hardly the definition of romance yourself there, mate.” Dakin spat, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. He took a shaky breath, but Lockwood didn’t pause for breath as he maintained the same volume as before, giggling.

“Fuck,” Lockwood said, sighing to regain his breath, “I pity anyone you’ll end up with.”

“Look,” Dakin snapped, “That wasn't the usual deal, okay? I’m better.”

“Then why weren’t you then?”

Dakin sputtered out a few angry phrases, his face turning redder than before. “I don’t kiss blokes! You can’t expect me to be good at kissing you when I don’t kiss blokes.”

“You kissed me.”

To that he had no reply. Dakin shifted in the grass, moving himself ever so slightly to the right so that he faced Lockwood better. At this point Lockwood’s eyes had slipped shut once again, his face blissfully void of emotion, but in the light Dakin could see every single little freckle, mole, and crease on his skin.

Looking away, he licked his lips, and came to a decision.

“Shot in the dark here, I know. But you like me right?” He said, full of false confidence. Lockwood looked at him and raised an eyebrow, the moment lasting long enough to make Dakin look away again, his bravado melting like wax under a lit wick.

“Potentially,” Lockwood sounded like he was rolling the word around in his mouth, testing it out before elaborating further. “You’d be a lot more attractive if you could actually kiss me without retching.”

“I didn’t retch.”

“You spat into the grass and looked like you wanted to vomit.”

Dakin’s shoulders slumped. He looked towards the river and said nothing.

“If…” Dakin began again, quieter, perhaps more considerate, “If I kiss you again, this time where I- _we,_ both try, would you think about it?”

“Think about if I like you? Or think about liking you?” Dakin began to say something, but Lockwood cut him off, “You can give it a go, but I’m not even sure if you’d want to be in a relationship with me. After all, I _love_ to hug people,” Dakin’s shoulders bunched up, “And I _love_ to kiss people,” Lockwood could see Dakin’s eyes close, his mouth turning tight and cheeks going a slight tint of red, “And if we were to end up together,” Lockwood leaned up on his hands, trying to make eye contact, “I’d want to kiss you, and I’d want you to kiss me.”

“I can do that,” Dakin said, and shyly, his shoulders still drawn together and his body moving slowly, he leaned back into Lockwood’s space, his hands gripping the grass as a lifeline.

“But do you want to?” Lockwood mumbled, his body inviting, waiting patiently for Dakin to finally lean in.

Perhaps to the more experienced, the kiss was nothing. But to them, under the canopy and invisible to all else, it was everything: Dakin motionless, Lockwood leaning in as gently as he could. Dakin felt his chest grow tight, finding it hard to breathe when he put all his focus into the now.

For the first time in a long time, Dakin thought of nothing. Or at least, very little.

This time Lockwood pulled back, his mouth slightly parted to show the shine of his teeth behind the wet redness of his lips. His eyelashes, surprisingly long, fanned over his cheeks. Dakin’s heart sank to his stomach, his shoulders relaxing under the weight of his realisation. Lockwood didn't say anything for a moment, his eyes still trained on the grass, but then he spoke up, “That was better,” He said, voice small.

Dakin couldn't bring himself to say anything for a moment, his heart beating out of his chest and his eyes wide and panicking. But then, like his brain snapping back into place, he regained his characteristic forwardness and asked, “That better, huh? Really? I thought that was quite poor.”

Lockwood glared at him, “Shut up,” he said.

“No you shut up.”

“Well then. I guess you’ll have to follow your word, seeing as I thought that one was better.”

Seeing Dakin’s face pale, Lockwood couldn't help but smile self-assured that Dakin would really be the _seduced_ and not the _seducer_ , as he’d expected all along. That was Dakin; after all, bravado until it went wrong, and then as meek and minor as the rest of them (the boys, that is) when he disappeared back into the shadows to lick at his wounds. But then Dakin’s face flushed bright and instead of backing down like Lockwood had expected, he instead reached forward and intertwined their hands.

“Oh.” Lockwood said. He couldn't think of anything to say for a very long moment there, which considering the fact that he was in the higher class for English was rather embarrassing.

“Yeah.” Dakin whispered, just as at a loss for words as Lockwood was.

“What do we do? You've been in a relationship before, you have to know.”

The words ‘ _have to_ ’ rang out like a bell in Dakin’s mind for a moment, and he didn’t hear himself say, “There isn't a set of rules for this kind of thing.”

“Then how do we do this?”

“We already kind of are. It’s not like we have to say vows or anything.”

A breeze wafted through the tree above them, revealing them to the outside world. Dakin drew his legs closer to his chest, shivering in the sudden cold, willing his heart to stop beating so rapidly for no good reason. He heard Lockwood gulp, and realised that his throat was dry too. “We don't tell the others.” He said, leaving no room for argument, and Lockwood faintly agreed, “And we don't tell our parents. Or anyone. This is a thing between me and you.”

And when he thought about it, ‘thing’ was all he really _could_ describe it as; relationship was too formal, fling was too temporary. ‘Crush’ sprung to mind, but he dismissed that as quickly as it occurred. Dakin was not one for that kind of language. Instead he revived a line he’d said to Nancy during the same situation, roughly a month ago, one that for a short time seemed to have worked.

“So, uh, same time next week?” He asked.

Lockwood didn’t look up from where he was in the grass, but mumbled out, “Yeah can do.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the third day of The October History Boys writing thing 2K18! It doesnt really have a name, but each Sunday in October there will (hopefully) be a new fan fiction.
> 
> Please leave kudos, bookmarks and comments!


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